KRELLFISH

How to Say No to Negativity

I've seen post after post about people giving up negativity for Lent. Claiming you want to is the first step, but once you're in, how exactly do you do it?

Here are 5 ways to avoid negativity.

1. Be slow to speak:  Think about the words you will say after someone is done talking. Our first words often aren't our best. Once we've adopted a negative lifestyle, almost 100% of what we say is a negative, cynical comment. A little thinking allows wisdom to prevail.
2. Be quick to listen: Not just as an exercise, but real, active listening. Maybe ask a question about what you just heard, nod your head at the appropriate time or ask the speaker to expound on their subject.
3. Drop the need to be right:  A know-it-all comes across negatively. How often do you find yourself saying, " I just love Susie. She knows everything and enthralls us moment by moment with her fascinating facts and opinions on everything, even stuff she knows absolutely nothing about."?
4. Practice: Listen to the news, radio or podcasts without forming thoughts and opinions until after the speaker is finished speaking.
5. Believe: Know that you can choose to be positive. Know that you're giving a positively wonderful gift to others!

What do you need to work on most?

When Fear Wants to Spoon

Remember when fear used to be different? Back in the day it was a gangly teenager, all knees and elbows. We tucked ourselves around the sharp angles and edges, bent ourselves to conform to childlike worries.

As we grew, so did fear. It became a young adult, and we wondered where it would show up next. And with energy like that, we could conjure it up at any given time. Sometimes it was better to sleep with fear than to sleep alone.

And then fear became a mature adult. An obese, dark monster, who nightly pulls up a chair and waits. We smell and feel it's hot breath before we've even opened our eyes. When we do, fear doesn't wait for an invitation. It curls around us, taking up all the air and consuming us from the outside in.

When fear wants to spoon, I pray. I write as if my life depended on it, I spend time with my loves and I focus on the moment. 

Living in the moment reaps a heart of thankfulness for all I do have; taking the focus off of what I'm afraid I won't.

Best Things Are Still Free

Notice how tentative and almost embarrassed some folks are at first. They are forgetting that the best things in life are still free.This makes me want to make up a bunch of T-Shirts that say "FREE HUGS" and go out into the world with a group of people and give love away. I'm pretty sure this is what God intended when he created us.

 My Mom shared this video with me today, it features kd lang singing one of my favorite songs to boot. Enjoy and thanks Mom!

Cecil Murphey Interview

 I'm thrilled to have interviewed Cecil Murphey about his latest book When A Man You Love Was Abused. 

You discuss how one in every six males has experienced unwanted or abusive sexual experiences before the age of sixteen. With those kinds of numbers, even if a woman doesn't intimately know someone who has been abused, we are encountering survivors on a daily basis. What advice do you have for us when we interact with survivors such as grocery clerks, authority figures, friends, and co-workers?

Cecil: This answer probably sounds negative but it's important. 

1. Don't take the initiative even if you know the man was abused.
2. Let him open up and speak about his abuse. If he opens up to you, it's like a big risk for him. Don't let him regret it.
3. Encourage him, but don't give him answers—even if you're convinced you know exactly what he needs to hear.
4. Please don't use phrases such as, "You're special," or "I love you." We heard those words from the adults who stole our childhood.
5. Don't touch him unless you're certain it's all right. Some men freeze when touched. Honor that confiding trust and don't tell his story to anyone—anyone—without his permission.

You reference the masks that men who've been abused wear, as well as the masks we all wear in public. In the past few years, "masks" have been associated with presenting our "false selves" to the world. I like what you believe though, that all the masks are glimpses of the "real" person. Please tell us more about this. 

The masks abused men wear show a glimpse of who we are. Another way to say it is that the masks often show you who we'd like to be.

Before I dealt with my abuse, others referred to me as a happy person. That was true—sometimes. I wanted to be happy and to enjoy my life.

The masks aren't intentional deception. In fact, the masks aren't about relating to or impressing others. Think of them as protection. We weren't aware of not being our true selves as much as it was our way to retreat from our pain. 

I'm married to an amazing man and have the privilege of knowing, loving, and raising three boys. I'm passionate about intentionally respecting all the men in my life. In your book you discuss survivors becoming victims a second time by the inner abuse they subject themselves to. How can we as women make sure we aren't subjecting our men to a third round of victimization?  

Be sensitive to him and his mood.   

Don't pry.  When we know we're loved for who we are and not for the good things we do, we can and will open up. We want to open up, even though it scares some men so badly they can't do it.

I lived in silence about my abuse for 40 years. My wife didn't suspect, and she did the one thing I needed: She loved me without any conditions. That's a cliché, but I don't think most men feel that depth of love. It took me years of marriage before I was convinced Shirley loved me just for who I was.

We all have roles within the family structure. As the fifth of seven children, I was the good boy. I did good things for people and got along well. On an unconscious level, I felt that as long as I was good people would like me. I needed someone who would love me at my worst as well as my best. Shirley was that person.

My best friend, David, was as firm in his irrefutable love as Shirley. Encourage him to open up to other men. Too many women carry the emotional issues for men, but they need other men. There are things about our abuse that are easier to discuss with another male than with a female.

Cecil, Thank you for your time and especially for sharing your thoughts on a very difficult subject. 

For more information visit: Men Shattering the Silence.

What I Feel

So much thought centers not on feelings, but on choice actions. For example, even when we don't "feel" like it, we are to respect others, love unconditionally,etc. I know if we wait for feelings to always be there, we won't do much.

Today however, I was encouraged by the way I feel. 

The past three months have taught me about things in the medical field. I've learned about lots that I wish I had never heard of. Wry neck, Post Traumatic Memory Loss, Post Concussive Syndrome, the difference between a Neuroradiologist and a Neurologist and that CT stands for computed tomography, not cat. 

So in short, I feel like a Doctor. 

Okay, that's not what I feel like, a nurse maybe, but I digress. Even after not performing the actions that others define as strong, I realize that being strong isn't about what I do, but about how I feel. 

Through the past three months, God has made me feel strong. 

And deeply humbled and grateful.

Christmas Letters

 

There are two types of Christmas letters. One is the four page, single spaced, double sided, depressing, shoot- me- now letter. The other is the one I usually send out. All the accolades I can pack onto one page, highlighting my kid's Student Council Presidency, Honor Society, Ministry involvement, music awards, sports highlights and charity volunteerism. I've heard those make the average reader a little sick. 

But this year I didn't send one out. It would have been the year to do it. Our family collectively suffered a nasty ankle sprain, chronic sinus infections, Croup, Wry Neck, double foot surgery, an appendectomy, a Grade III concussion which rendered our son momentarily blind, disease in both knees, at least 6 ER visits, two hospital stays, and probably a Partridge in a Pear Tree. The list was so unbelievable that I couldn't bring myself to write it. So I thought I would do it differently this year.

It's simple really. God has never been better to us. After every valley, I would have mountain top moments where I needed to "tell it on the mountain." 

Jesus Christ is born and He loves all of us deeply.

 He has brought Peace.

Am I anxious for these trying medical times to be over? Absolutely. I cannot wait for 2010, only because I know the best is yet come.

A Chance to Choose

For some it's the dreaded blank fortune. What could it possibly mean if you crack open a Chinese cookie that has well, nothing in it? Is your future short and bleak? Have you been forgotten?

Around here, we choose to see it as a blank slate. A canvass for anything and everything. A chance to make the choice, decide just how life is going to be. An opportunity to be happy with the life God has given us.

Just got back from Vegas, there was no foreboding cookie preceding our trip and everyone came home with all their body parts. By the way, that was no small feat in Vegas on Halloween.

For now, all is well. The glass is at least half full and as we approach the magnificence of Christmas, may we help the cup of others,to overflow.

Cyberchondria

I admit, I do a lot of self diagnosis via the Internet. I don't visit the doctor often, but when I do, I arrive armed with information. Researching allows me to explore and ask every question to my doctor, which makes me feel satisfied with the visit and subsequent diagnosis.

In the past, I had been spot on with the diagnosis, always just looking for confirmation from the Doctor. I'd walk away secretly gloating, knowing I should have been a Doctor but was too busy to take all the doctoring classes. Instead I've settled for diagnosing my family, friends and strangers at the grocery store. My only downfall is that I can't write prescriptions.

It was all good until recently, when I developed a symmetrical rash beginning around my ankles and progressing up my calves. Searching online I discovered it was Contact Dermatitis. When it didn't clear up after two weeks, I went back to the Internet and stayed there until I found out what I had. Yep, it was Vasculitis, with an underlying autoimmune disorder, thanks to my bout with Mononucleosis back in the 90's. My body was attacking itself and there was no way to stop it. I would live out the rest of my days with a terrible problem and no cure in sight. The blues set in.

Turns out I was a little off this time. I'm simply allergic to a new sunscreen that I was putting only on my feet, which caused. . . Contact Dermatitis. And my Doctor really wasn't too happy with my other suggestions gleaned from the Internet. I'm sure he felt disrespected when I came in my with ideas and prognosis.

Cyberchondria occurs when people have uncontrollable anxiety about their health and use the internet to diagnose themselves with a severe condition. Cyberchondria is a big problem that began back in 2000. Things like Gulf War Syndrome and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome have been greatly perpetuated by people using the Internet to diagnose themselves.

This could get worse for Americans with the proposed direction our health care system could take. If people can't see their doctor in a timely manner, they will be forced to go to the Internet for self diagnosis, which often leads to misinformation, misdiagnosis and unneeded stress.

So use cyber-doctoring with caution. Gather information within reason, but trust the professionals for a true diagnosis.

Look who's in SWEAT magazine

 

Yep, you guessed it, Steve and I are featured in the February issue of SWEAT magazine in the "Zonies Train Together to Remain Together" on page 14. The entire magazine is great and you can download the February issue of SWEAT for free, HERE. 

Here is the article:

Audra and

Steve Krell

 

 

 

The Krells – Audra, 38 and Steve, 40 – have

been together for 24 years. The Scottsdale

couple has three boys – 15- , 12- and 10-years old.

Audra, a freelancer, and Steve, a Chief

Financial Officer, met in a candy store in

Manitou Springs, Colo. Prime family activities

are hiking, working out, playing golf and

going to movies.

The Krells say that golf became a major

family fun pursuit when their middle son

was 4-and-a-half and his Grandfather was

teaching him the game. The grandson proved

to be a natural.

“Steve and I knew we needed to learn to

play golf before our boys passed us by,” she

says. “We had so much fun learning the game

together and discovering Arizona through its

golf courses.”

Audra points out that a few years ago,

she and Steve made a pact that they were

not going to live separate lives and began

by scheduling workouts together. Daily they

wake up early and head to the gym with

Steve driving so Audra can eat her oatmeal.

Side-by-side on elliptical trainers, they chat

and catch up on family life. Before 8 a.m.,

they’ve exercised and spent quality time

together.

The Krell’s advice to couples is to follow

in their footsteps and invest in quality time

together every single day.

 

Via Pedometer

  This is my pedometer. It is my friend. Yes, it's pink, because in a house full of testosterone blue, I have to do whatever I can to retain a little femininity.

I was really uncertain if my pedometer and I were going to be friends or not. I  don't need one more thing to monitor what I'm not doing. I've got three kids, a dusty house, dirty car,a few loads of laundry and a writing mentor for that.

We clicked right away however. Pinky motivates and excites me. I'm always trying to make and break my 10,000 step goal, every day. My settings might be a little off, as sometimes she counts it as four steps just for clipping her on. I have lost three pounds since we met though and there is no way she could be manipulating that!

She loves me. And I love her. And as you know, a little love always works for me.

Who else has a pedometer success story? Please tell us how long you've been in relationship, how many steps you take together per day and what the results have been.

Head over to Shannon's at Rocks In my Dryer to see what's working for everyone else.